Sunday, January 29, 2006

CNY

Chinese New Year has reared its head (Beautiful or ugly is beside the point) once again and I found myself at Grandfather's place for the afternoon-till-nights yesterday and today.

Around 8pm or so, we didn't really have much to do. Mum was talking to Grandpa, Grandma was watching TV in her room (I think, I didn't see her), Dad was watching the big TV in the living room. Gwin was tired and doing nothing of particular importance. I did similar. Around 9 or so Gwin fell asleep. I tried not to, entertained myself by doing some stuff etc watching MvC2 vids, GG vids, Diet Coke + Mentos vids, etc. I still kena very bored leh. Dad watched TV until 10.30pm before we left.

I suppose many of you are familiar with ideas regarding the modernization of society to the extent that we lose the heritage of the Chinese. Can't remember, use that Rafflesian poem we had in Sec 1.

Everyone can notice the obvious problem of kids Westernizing in a Chinese environment and a language generation gap developing between parents and children. But no one ever took notice of a different question going on behind. Yep, it's the whodunnit question. While points can be raised for both sides, that's not the point. The thing is that both sides will indefinitely place the blame on the other person without any reason whatsoever apart from pushing blame for the sake of pushing blame. >_>

But honestly, are people helping? My dad watcheth TV for 2 hours straight without moving an inch. Pro hax, but it's not actually helping the issue. Is it my fault? I'm not sure, but I'm probably not going to be wrong for saying that it most likely ain't my fault.

I guess hypocrisy goes both sides, eh. >_>

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One can judge what kind of judgement and filters a society is placed by its stereotypes. In America, people are judged by their races. Black people get called niggers by Americans, white people get called crackers by others, and Azns lik us r called teh azn penoy didder shiz. Ok, no, we're called chinks. How random >_>

In ancient societies, one could see a caste going on between the upper class and lower classes (Obviously one could see a caste, otherwise there wouldn't be an upper/lower class in the first place >_>) It was a caste between the rich and the poor, the aristocrats and the workers, the brahmins and the artisans (I forgot what their calling was).

Only in Singapore do you get stereotyping going on between GEPpers and Mainstreamers. Amazing what meritocracy does to you, huh. o_O

Monday, January 23, 2006

Mao, the Third Cat

Sometimes, small observations and minute trivia in life can prove to be highly amusing and perhaps even insightful to the kind of life going on around you. Here's a few random stuff:

Mr. Ng Yew Hock has O2Jam on his com. Don't know what that is? This will give you an idea. Personally I prefer Stepmania though, but technically speaking O2Jam is a superior game.

Mr. Ng Yew Hock also plays DDR (ZQ witness). Holy crap eh o_O

The new fella at Pick N' Dip (I'm guessin' he's the old lady's son for obvious reasons) was wearing an Azumanga Daioh Apron, with Osaka's Dog and the trademark Japanese "Ah!" symbol. How amusing.

Most know this one, but the Mama Mia stall's back wall has lots of Pucca posters/decor on it.

Tucky's grown hair, like Job has over the years.

Squirrels roam the UYO building roof, and an old boot takes residence there.

Sometimes if you're lucky you can catch a couple kissing over at UWC (I saw this during SJAB Camp last year). They can see you too, though XD

David Tan never knew I was in SJAB. He thought I was in one of the NPCCs. lol >_>

-------------------------------------

I MUST GO TO THE ARCADE SOON

Damnit I must play Afronova and Tsugaru Heavy at the arcade and prove myself. And GG too.

House of the Dead 4 calls for me (ok, not really. But it'd be fun to try that too).

Guilty Gear XX WHY DOTH THEE TORTURETH ME SO WITH A SUCKY KY Oh well at least his colours in XX rock. K, S and Start Colour ftw =) in #R the only one I liked was Start colour. Same with Slash's =\ Oh well, worst comes to worst no one can screw up Neutral colour. =)

GG Isuka is now very lame ever since I saw that combo vid of Isuka 2v1 loops lol >_>

D-D-R-M-A-X-2-C-A-L-L-S-F-O-R-M-E-S-O-B-A-D-L-Y-A-N-D-I-M-E-A-N-I-T

Gid found a cat (Calling it Mao for now) and picked it up, seeing that it was sickly and all that. Poor thing. Gid and I wanna give it back to its proper owner but given this:

No contacts whatsoever stated on the collar
It's roughly 7-9months old (Mom's estimate), just out of the kawaii baby stage.
It's sickly, hungry and in need of sheltering
It's probably not going to be able to find its way back on its own

Nope, I don't think it's going to find its owner anytime soon.

It's pretty damn gentle/sweet and its fur looks very nice too. How the heck did the owner lose it =
Oh well. Kitty and Mao seem to get along well enough; they're only hissing at each other. =) They're probably going to end up fighting soon enough though. >_> So much for a Tale of Two Kitties.

And to add oil to the fire Neko's coming over on Wednesday. Imagine that, a feline warzone where poor Mao's going to lose because he's been declawed and is such the gentle one. Haha >_>

Oh well, worst comes to worst that's a new member to the family. >_>

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Post-OEP

Most of you know I'm not the kind of person to list out day-by-day events during my OEP, so I won't. Whoever wants to read those already has KW, KL, and probably Zhang and some others to read. So I'll just skip to whatever I finded interesting. Oh, and this is in everything but order, so >_>

The Vietnamese traditional female dress (I couldn't really note any distinguishing male version of it) is a long-sleeved (I'm guessing silk/cotton? It's damn smooth) shirt (I can't remember, but I think it's V-collared. Didn't note that part) which has two partings at the sides, where the thighs are. It's usually very brightly coloured and coupled with a whitish pair of pants (Probably made of silk/cotton too). Interesting, I always thought that female Asian traditional clothing tended towards dresses (Saris, Cheongsams, etc). And I have to admit, it looks like teh elegence.

It looks damn weird when you accompany it with the Vietnamese hat, though. >_>

(Memories:)
Ms. Yvonne Lim: Remember, when you go up 1000m the temperature goes down by 6.1 (?) Celcius! And it will be cooooooooooooooooooooooolddddddddd!!! So remember to bring your jacket because in Vietnam when you go to Dalat, it will be coooooooooooooooooooolddddddddddddddddd!

*At Dalat*
Job: It's Colorado weather!
Me: wth Colorado weather o_O

But thing is, he was right. It WAS Colorado-ish weather. It's not cooooooooooooooolddddddddddddddddd. >_> Yvonne Lim credibility -10%, respect -5%.

(At lunch)

*Johnny, Samteo, Seng Wei, Darrell, Boey, Bong (IOW Bryan lol), Jerrold, Jonas, Moi, and some random mainstreamer sit at one table)

Sam Teo, Seng Wei: Hey look Darrell's eating so much it must be his parasite lol
Darrell: *talks back*
Sam Teo, Seng Wei, Darrell: *Begin talking about mutualism, parasites, viruses and bird flu*
Bryan joins in: Darrell, viruses don't die from heat or most other things. If I heat hydrogen cyanide, put it next to you and freeze it, you'll die, but nothing's going to happen to the virus.
Me: o_O wth is hydrogen cyanide
Bryan: Ok, essentially the important part is cyanide not hydrogen. Get it?

Johnny: Hey Jerrold nice shirt (Jerrold was wearing this 212 degree C shirt saying something)
Jerrold: Yeah.
Jonas Kwok: But eh, what's Absolute Zero harh?
Bryan: roughly -212 degree Celcius or so.

Mainstreamer: (angsting due to isolation)
Me: Zee propheciez are truu! Jeepers are becoming jeepers! Nuuuuu!

(After lunch, shopping a bit)

Vietnamese coffee over there is amazing. It's a slight bittersweet taste that is very strong yet mellow. I love it.

(Back at Dalat Hotel)

Jarrel Seah as roommate is a very sad thing >_>

*Computers at E-Counter, Dalat Novotel Lobby*

Samteo and Sengwei: *Playing slime soccer*
Me: wth nolife >_>

Mr. Ng Yew Hock: *uploading photos*
*Computer hangs*
Mr. Ng: Blue screen of death!
Kyle: haha
Me: o_O

(On bus)

Trevor: *Eats Pringles, wins alot at Dai Di*
Trevor: Pringles make me pro at Dai Di!

Oh, btw, Dai Di with jokers = absolute fun. It's less mindless but more fun whee~ =)

Vietnamese shop sign: My Dung (It means Fine Trades I think)

Jarrel Seah and Dr. Ong arm wrestling (Darrell has photo ask him. Jar says he's slightly better than me. o_O)

(At campfire)

Mass dance:

Jarrel Seah: *Nonchalantly walks while everyone else is dancing*
JK: *Lunges forward and takes a huge step while everyone is walking in teh dance*
KW: *Looks stupid*
ZQ: *Looks just as stupid*
Jarrel Seah: *Nonchalantly raises hands*
KW: *"Whee~" motion while raising hands*
ZQ: *Frantically swings hands randomly and raises hands*

*After mass dance, returning to bus*

(Me, KW, KL, Jason)

Me: Hey Kev, you're a good dancer. ;)
KW: Oh really?~ Thank you~ ^_^
Me: Yeah, as pro as Jarrel Seah and JK and -"
KW: *Whacks me in abdomen, runs off*
Me: Oof
Me: He just whacked me in the abdomen. KW whacked me in the abdomen.
Me: wth o_O
Me: >_>
Me: XD XD XD
KL: *grabs me so I won't fall down laughing. Continue until bus ride.*

(Valley of Love)

Me: Ah, the inspiration. I feel like writing a poem.

The Valley of Love under the stars:
So many tourists but not a car.
Looking below it goes so deep,
It reaches far and the slope is steep.
At the sides many steps go down.
But if I went the teacher would frown.

-----------

In the centre a statue that looked vrey regal,
An embodiment of "Soar on Wings like Eaglesw".
So beautiful is the Valley of Love,
Truly it is the Salt of the Earth.
Walking back and looking behind,
This was truly a Renewing of Minds.
But fear not, there still is much more to see,
To God Be the Glory, The Best is Yet to Be!

Amen.

Sir Ferdiequek: *Reads poem*
Me: How is it?
Sir Ferdiequek: ......>_>
Me: o_O You didn't flinch in pain or go urgh? What kind of bad poetry have you read before o_O
Sir: Much worse than this.
Me: Ouch. o_O Deliberately bad or unintentionally?
Sir: Unintentionally bad.
Me: o_O

(Amara Hotel Swimming Pool)

Lim Eng Kong: Does anyone know why Amara Hotel has a merlion at the pool?
Michael Ong: Bo Tai Chi.

Michael Ong: Hey Jarrel, do you know why the merlion here isn't spitting water?
Jarrel: How come?
Michael Ong: If it spat any water it would be fined $1000.

---------------------------------

Ben Tanh (sp?) Market:

Bought two Quiksilver T-shirts at $6.50 lol. And bought 3 games (That's our secret yo >_>)

The games in Vietnam are amazing. I never knew that people would actually try to put Pokemon Diamond/Jade into a cartridge, let alone sell it. Then there's the amazing KoF 2004 Non-existent version (KoF ended at 2003 and the subsequent one was called XI)

Like dude piracy can only go so far >_>

But anyway I got Dragon Quest VIII (Whee~ =)), Arc the Lad: Land of Darkness (Mixed thoughts. Dunno whether it'll be good or not), and Wild Arms 4: Altered Code F (Prob. playing this first. The artwork looks damn nice.)

---------------------

JK hash played PIU in teh Vietnam arcade. like DUDE I was worrying about him becoming better than me (Well you gotta admit with people like KW and others around telling me so it's not hard to believe them >_>) But well..

Let's just say that he could score an A on songs I could probably B or A as well, with one foot and acting like an idiot.

Oh, btw, that's what I did. >_>

PPP 1 is alot better than PPP2. PPP2 is too arrow intensive for one to actually be able to pose around while dancing. =
JC + PPP = teh o_O

THE ARCADE HAS TEKKEN 3 O_O DOOOOOOOOOM

-----------------

Teh dance we did for the kids in Vietnam had like 3 out of 5 steps taken from IYE (Admittedly KW decided on one of them unknowingly). Damn, y'know. I liked the IYE dance. And it was like 10x better than this. >_> Call me sentimental but I personally would rather had a whole new dance (Yes I know I'm alone in this. >_>) It's as if someone took part of my memories, tore it out and forced the pieces into a different jigsaw. It just doesn't go with me.

>_> I think I know why people like KW and Zhang just cannot understand why I get angry at them at times. >_>

Oh well, I've shouted at KW once and he's punched me once in the abdomen. I regret not my actions nor my statements to KW (I mean, why would I regret telling teh truth o_O)

------------------

Overall Vietnam has been good, I liked climbing Mt. Liangbang (Though I did fall quite a fair distance once >_>) and I liked most of the classmates around (Russ, Sam Chan, Trevor, Johnny and many others are cool dudes. Michael Ong, despite what everyone says, isn't a bad person. Jar and I can get along with him rather decently (Though I'm not sure whether it's him or us >_>)

Personally I would've wished it to be longer, but I'm sure the cost will go up significantly too. Hey, I guess I gotta be satisfied with what I got. =)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Pre-OEP

I WANT KINO NO TABI
I WANT FMP SECOND RAID
I WANT AIR TV
I WANT GUNDAM SEED ETERNITY NOT TO BE SUCKY
I WANT KINGDOM HEARTS 2 NOT TO BE MEDIOCRE (Aah it's gonna be nothing short of awesome anyway >_>)
I WANT A NON-SUCKY NON-MINDLESS-PUZZLE-INTENSIVE XENOSAGA EP.III (Fat hope >_>)
I WANT FF XII NOT TO BE DISAPPOINTING

End deprived fanboy whining >_>

-------------------------------------------

Almost everything is packed, I'm mostly ready to go. Go me! =) >_>

Yes this post is that short >_>

Monday, January 09, 2006

Memories

How many of you played gameboy when you were young, and still remember the games that you played? I'm sure most would. I remember playing Worms Armageddon on Arms Race with my cousins and Gwin, clearing Crash Bandicoot 3: WARPED (Damn that game was fun) in one day because the memory card was screwy, defeating the Elite Four the same day we got Pikachu, learning about the secret path at the start of Super Mario World Stage 1-3 from my Sis, watching my bro beat Volley Fire and go to Level 5 on Solar Striker before dying to the boss (Damn, that game is an absolute pain. Level 4's final boss is mad. o_O), playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with my bro when I was really young on some system using cartridges (Hey, it's so long ago, who knows what it could be. I'm guessing SNES though)

Sigh, those were the days eh. Oh well, I patiently wait for KH2, Xeno 3, Disgaea 2, while having mixed thoughts on FF XII. Any other games I should look out for? Nah, KH2 is like the big thing.

---------------------------------------------------------

There are certain things in life that make you smile. A bunch of blooming flowers, a flock of free birds, a couple together, a younger sister whacking her elder bro lightly in a "I dun fwen you anymor!" kind of manner (What? I'm serious. >_>). For me, one of them is seeing the smile of children. (Recalls the Ng Yew Hock =/= MJ picture)

Returning from 3rd lang on Thursday via MRT, I noticed that on one of the seats was a little girl (Her dad gave her the seat and thus was standing up) playing with her dad's handphone. Every once in a while, she would smile and go like "Daddy! Look!" and show her dad what she managed to do with ze handphone, be it go into cameraphone mode, open the inbox, etc, 5 minutes inbetween each. And everytime she did something the people who noticed her presence smiled too.

But seriously, if SZ suddenly went "YAY I FIGURED OUT HOW TO GO INTO CAMERAPHONE" all of us would whack our heads and sigh in disappointment instead of going "YAY SZ YOU WENT INTO CAMERAPHONE" right?

Children bear an innocence and ignorance no longer apparent in the lives of those older: students, parents, teachers, workers, government dogs, et cetera. This innate innocence and ignorance allows for one to bear happiness in non-happy things, and derive happiness from simple pleasures. Why do we smile at them, then? Because they have what we have not? Because of reminiscence? Or a foreshadowing, knowing what the child will face in the future, and smiling at his/her bliss of the present?

Why have we lost this ignorance and innocence? It is the bound of society. Those marked by it are those who have lost the innocence, and gained the knowledge at expanse of happiness. They speak of prophecy and realization, saying that the world is a inhumane place, and bear escapades into their own world. They justify the existence of their illusion, saying that it is their utopia, and the world is too saddening a place for them to live and function in happily.

These people are at the Nigredo (Jungian psychology), and have not plunged deep enough; they have not met the whitening. Those who have can see the light in the darkness, for they have crossed the darkest of tunnels and know the light is not but an illusion. They need not create a fake end of the tunnel, they just look harder for the real one. And when they find the truest of lights, they can do naught to help those still wandering in the caves, for they can see none in the darkness; only themselves and the light of their hallucinations.

Would a miner paint lead white and justify his actions as not being able to find silver, when facing those whom have dug deeper and found the valuable material? Similarly, should a lost man stay in his cave playing with shadow dances, and explain that it is his reality for the cave cannot be gone out of, when met up with those who tell him to move on and find the way out?

The jewel has been lost in matter
and everybody is looking for it.

Some look for it in the east
and some in the west,
some in water
and some among stones.

But the servant Kabir
has found its value
and has it wrapped with care
in the seam of the mantle of his heart.

R. Tagore, Kabir 72

Friday, January 06, 2006

Swa Mi Moo

Damn sian not really much to blog about. Not without scanning some stuff anyway which I'm lazy.

Ferdiequek giveth me no respect. He giveth me a letter with glitter ink, and smiley face stickers on it to express his thanks that I'm chairman. Gosh damnit, I'm not KW.

Speaking of KW:

Me: Damn I just want to say in JK's face 'You are not in my league. HAH'
SZ: >_>
KW: How do you know that JK's out of your league?
Me: *stunned momentarily* Huh?
KW: I mean, you haven't been to his house to see him play DDR right?

Oh gosh not only do people question my authority as chairman, now people question my capability as a gamer. Soon enough we'll be hearing KW question how Michael knows he writes better than some newbie who started writing two weeks ago. And he wonders why I say there's something fundamentally wrong with his brain. Might as well ask Sheu Zhi how he knows that he'll be better than Sam Teo if he started to practise GG a bit more.

But anyway. Being chairman of 3.9 isn't all too bad. I can get along well enough with everyone, and Michael Ong isn't making my life hell yet. I hope that OEP isn't going to change that either. Btw, KW, ZQ, Daniel, and two others (I forgot) are choreographing a dance for teh homeless kids at Vietnam. Wow, what now we dance to SCHNOO SCHNAA SCHNAPPI SCHNAA (Imagine some kawaiified Steve Irwin tribal dance with a huge crocodile-lookalike thingy in the middle >_>)

KW: I'm afraid that the steps may end up too stupid and people wouldn't want to do it.
Me: *Pictures describe this better*
KW: What, am I not allowed to be worried about the obvious?
Me: >_>
KW: Oh, I'm worried that the dance steps will be too cutesy for Herrick Ong to accept!
Me: >_> Not just me, everyone.

Well yeah, there's something about KW. >_>

KW: *packing bag for PSL*
Me: *KWish* Lookie! I get to pon St. Johns! I am so happy!
KW: I'm not ponning St. Johns!
Me: (O rly)
KW: But I get to skip it anyway~ ^_^ (Kawaii pose, coupled with ;) wink and V-sign for complementary Kawaii-based damage)
Me: >_<

Jarrel: Sir, the new IB Tie looks very ugly.
Dr. Ong: It looks nice wad.

*Jarrel tells that to me*

Jeremy Teo: How come you so brave one?
Me: o_O

Daniel Ang, Li Jie: SWA MI MOO SWA MI MOO SWA MI MOO
Swaminathan: Ok cut it out lah

Vikram: Swami swami here we go
Daniel Ang: Here we go to play Toto!
Swaminathan: *wth?*

----------------------------------------

Schoolwork is stressful once again, oh wellz.
SJAB is stressful once again, oh wellz.
KW is annoying once again, oh wellz.
SZ is saying stupid stuff once again, oh wellz.
Jarrel is being an obnoxiously funny person once again, oh wellz.
Feels just like Deja Vu. Oh wellz.
SWA MI MOO
Ok, that was new.

----------------------------------------

Will blog a more reflective post of something interesting I saw on the way home from 3rd lang sometime soon. Probably by Hari Raya lah >_> Sian I'm not really in teh blogging mood these days. Oh wellz.

SWA
MI
MOO

Monday, January 02, 2006

New beginnings

KW being vicechair isn't too bad: As Juzzie said, either chair does all the work or vice-chair does all the work, never is it equal. >_>

3.9 ain't looking to be as bad a class as I pictured it as. Then again, I didn't see it very high so anything would've been better than my predictions. Sam and Russ are pretty amusing folk, and Juzzie's a nice guy. Still, I'd take JY/SZ/WH or Gid/Hen/Josh over Zhang/Zac/Job any day >_> No SZ in class is abit depressing. >_>

But no fear, there is more. Our teacher Ferdiequek is awesome. He says awesome stuff. >_> Jobfoot lawl

"In ACS, ankles are considered sacred." Ferdiequek >_>

I'm guessing today will be my 4000th visitor too, so >_> Fast isn't it, in just below 1 1/3 years. >_>

I don't really have much to say right now, so meh. >_> Hoping that school won't be teh uberstress though. >_>

Sunday, January 01, 2006

April Fool Angsting

Inside the closed-in walls of the July that has gone,
The words were broken down, in a past without tears.
...
The edges of my memories, the far off, frozen, unreachable life.
In a crack in the mirror that no one can hold,
Seven broken doll sings silent tears of mud.
Drain the maggot’s blood in the days that will never be returned;
And pierce the eyes with a brier of a clock
That crumbled into dust within seven days.
The cruel judge records the faded letters of my life…
Only a bird with broken wings can tell the truth…
...
With light only silence...
...
Death is frozen all the way to the edge of its molecules
While the night loves eternity,
At the same time it chops down desire with a stone axe.
Drink up the pain of a brain being split open!
...
The twelve white messengers who were washed ashore
...
The mirage above the piece of paper,
The spent country made of glass,
The corpse sings with a necklace of many, many tears on its breast.
The duck’s shadow on the cliff where light has ceased to exist…
Will the blameless traveler ever tell of this story?
...
When nineteen cold moons have crossed the sky
After the day of pronouncement, and the night has passed,
The world will end with the rising of the sun.
What else can we do... other than smash the green plate...

-Kino's Journey, various parts of Book of Prophecy/Angst

-----------------

Damn Japs. Taking this and putting it through all that fancy-schmancy shit, turning my feelings into some sort of bloody joke.

I hate this. I hate you. I hate everything. I don't know why I'd been putting up a show for so long; but I just did. The curtains were set and the actor could no longer change any part of himself, but continue on with the bloody show with the mocking audience laughing at the poor actor.

I've been living a lie. A bloody lie. For such a long time. I should've let go earlier, went mad earlier. But no, I just went on, pretending I was normal, advising those who weren't ok, helping out those in need, conversing with friends who were never there with me.

I never should've done any of that should I.

I remember I talked to SZ last time about why angsting in silence was stupid. Paranoia, schizophrenia, helplessness and living a lie, those were the basic ideas. He said that I was smart about that, but what am I. I was the bloody hypocrite going through all of that in the first place wasn't I. I was the one being paranoid, living self-consciously like the actor who knows his costume is wrong but is unable to do anything about it; I knew I was the one being schizophrenic, always fearing when my other side of myself would finally show to the outer world and I would no longer be viewed as what I was once viewed as; I was the one feeling helpless, unable and unsure of what to do, trying to help when I couldn't do anything, trying to please when I could only hurt, trying to cry when I could only smile and trying to smile when I could only cry; I was the one living a lie. I was the one who was a bloody hypocrite.

I was the one who pretended that everyone was a friend to me. And I was the one who pulled the strings and made everyone a friend to me.

I hate this. I hate having fake friends. I hate pretending to be what I'm not. I hate to be a pillar of strength when I'm burning inside-out. I hate being nice, being friendly, being a joker to those I called friends. I hate being a chairman and having authority that only made me a figurehead; I hate responsibilities placed upon me because of those so-called ideals that I bore.

No more of this. I shall break down, on my own will. Not you, not them, not him or her who will make my knees bend and my feet fall. Only I can do this to myself; none of you shall destroy me but myself. I brought this ruin upon myself; I caused myself to break.

Despair. Sadness. Crying. Hopelessness. Deception. Delusion. Desolation. Helplessness. Isolation. Stress. Pressure. Vanity. I don't care about it anymore; I've been trying to pretend that I didn't have such things for so long; now I no longer care. Come, I shall embrace you. I don't care anymore. Make me more sad, more hopeless, more stressed, more isolated, more vain, more despaired, I can't do anything anyway; I can't cry. I am but a doll masterfully weaved to convey emotion, express feelings, bring happiness and sadness to others. But what happens when the audience is left and the puppeteer is alone? The doll slinks to the floor, emotionless and empty.

I don't care; I'd rather live a life of pure despair, than live a life of fake happiness. What good is it? It's not mine. I could make everyone else happy or sad; I don't care now. It's not my emotions. Why should I care? I have manipulated you all into being my 'friends' until I myself fell to that trick, and when I finally realize, I can no longer break from guilt nor can I liberate myself.

When a bird is chained down, it can squeal all it wants, it can flap its wings all it wants, but what can it do? It can only break its wings in the process. I, bound by my emotions, what can I do? Wrestle with them, not yield to them, but what does that do? I only break my sanity in the process. It is vain. And I care not about that. My sanity has been broken long ago when I tried to wrestle and resist them; now the gears are broken and the springs are loose; the toy can no longer work and entertain the audience.

The jester goes and puts on his show, after all the world is a stage. But when the laughter is not on the jokes, instead the comedy strikes at him, he must continue, bear the pain, until they're gone or he's dead. Suppose the jester survives the day, against all will and logic, he must continue, because the next day comes and he has his pay to work for. Humanity can mock him, humanity can murder his feelings, but only when humanity has killed him can he finally rest in true peace.

Go ahead, sympathize for me. What good is sympathy? You cannot feel for the person. You force yourself to feel for him. You make your own context to understand his pain. You try and try, but all you get is an insensitive bastardization of his pain. So go on, sympathize for me; or have you already done so? It's ok; I can't feel it. After all, a puppet only gives and receives when in the presence of others. Once it is alone the puppet loses everything; passion, compassion, and life.

Don't worry about me, I know I'm not alone. The stage known as life couldn't possibly have had only one vacancy for self-conceited toys of life.